Sunday, September 11, 2011

Seriously. I'm crazy. I think I am way too uptight and it is something I need to work on BIG time. The Lord is really dealing with me in this area, and I want to express my weakness to you, so that you know that I know and that God and I are working on it. I'm asking for both grace and forgiveness as I learn how to relax and surrender all things to our good Father.

Here is a recent instance of where my anxiety as a mom got the best of me. Parker, you had baseball tryouts yesterday for a select team. For the last two weeks we've been in the backyard practicing all aspects of the game. I knew your hitting needed some attention, so we dedicated a lot of time to that portion. Yesterday during the tryout you did a fantastic job in your fielding, throwing, and base running...the hitting was more challenging for you. Your swing is perfectly level, and all of your mechanics are precise, but making contact was hard. This was the first time you faced a pitching machine, and it was fast, if I do say so. On the way home from the tryout you were a little disappointed in yourself for the batting performance, but I encouraged you that if you didn't make the select team, you could still play for park district, and that we would certainly be working on batting. After a while at home, you seemed in better spirits and went off to play some Guitar Hero on the Playstation.

Now after some initial disappointment you were able to move on from the day's events, but I wasn't. I obsessed about it all day, and even through the night. I am scared for you and concerned for you if you don't make the team. You feel things so deeply, and you try so hard, and I am afraid of how you will react if you don't make it. Then I got upset with myself for subjecting you and exposing you to such pressure at the age of 7.5. years old..

I didn't even have this much anxiety when I tried out for sports teams! I have to trust that God will give you strength to handle whatever comes your way, and that we will be able to use each experience as a catapult for learning to handle life and for shaping your character. I have to trust that you are're not made of glass, and you've proven that to me time and time again. Then the practical side of me kicks it in to high gear (and that portion of my mind sounds suspiciously like Daddy), and I hear, "He 's only 7. If he doesn't make the team it isn't going to ruin his life." This really has nothing to do with baseball...this has to do with me not wanting someone that I love to experience any pain. I realize that I cannot shelter you from all of life's hurts and disappointments (and somewhere along the way I've gotten the false idea that this is my job), but I can help equip you to handle them, and that is what I pray that God helps me to do.

So the moral of this story is, I worry enough for the both of us. I carry your burdens, but instead of letting them cripple me and cause anxiety, I need to hand them over to the Lord to carry instead. You are loved, you are supported, you are adored, by me, your dad, your brother, your grandparents, your cousins, your aunts and uncles, your teachers, and most importantly your Savior and Creator.

As you learn how to be a godly man able to withstand life's ups and downs, I at the same time, am learning how to be a godly mom who casts all worries on Christ because He cares for the both of us. (1 Peter 5:7).

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