Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm sad about my daddy. That's all there is to it. There are so many layers to this whole situation, but in short, the man that I love, adore, and revere is sick, and there isn't a single thing I can do about it. I feel like each and every day I walk around with a house on my chest...the weight is almost unbearable at times. I'm sad when I see little girls with their daddy; I'm sad when I see a little boy with his grandfather. Today I heard the song, "If" by Bread, and that's Mimi and Pop Pop's love song. It made me sad, and that's not a good way to start off a day.

I try to keep busy and live my life, but right underneath the surface, my emotions are boiling. No matter what I am doing, or who I am with, my dad is on my mind and my heart. I can't say it enough...I love that man. I know of no greater servant of Jesus. That's why I am having such a hard time understanding why this is happening to him of all people.

I know it's not theologically appropriate (at least that's what conventional christianity teaches)to ask why, but I don't care. WHY!!!!!!?????????? That's what my insides are screaming. Why not other dads who are unfaithful to their wives, or absent for their children? Why not other people who don't tithe, who don't serve, who don't love? Why is my dad being punished? I feel like Job's friends and wife right now..bitter, confused, and angry.

I just want my dad to be in a place where I can call him and talk to him about the Cubs. I just want my dad to be in a place where I can call him and talk to him about my dryer that isn't drying. I just want to be able to call and talk to him about whether we should buy another car or not. I just want him to be able to wrestle with you boys like he did in February when he visited you. I want him to be able to jump on the trampoline with you like he did last time he was here, and I want him to be able to have bonfires with you like he did before.

Kent, I wish he could see you on the ball field. He saw you play soccer, but the week he visited you refused to play, and instead you sat on the sidelines and cried. I wanted to punish you for five years on that day, and lucky for you, Pop Pop intervened and took you off to the side and talked to you instead. I want him to see all of the progress you've made in T-ball now. You and Pop Pop are kindred spirits...class clowns, introverts who become silly when uncomfortable. He always looks at you Kent, and says, "Man that boy is me."

Parker, the game that Pop Pop saw you play in October was awesome. You scored three goals in the last quarter to tie your team up, and then you scored another goal in the over-time shoot out and your team won. Pop Pop says you are a natural at soccer. The basketball game he saw you play in, was no different. Pop Pop kept asking me, "Where in the world did this kid get his talent?". He calls you "little Erik", and is so impressed with your academic inclinations.

It's all happening too fast and too soon. I want to throw myself on the ground, kick and scream, and yell out, "IT"S NOT FAIR".

Just being honest on this Monday morning.


Kady said...

Thank you for being honest. I'm going through a rough time right now and I've been asking why, like you. I feel like a terrible Christian for asking, but I am. Its encouraging to know that I'm not the only one who asks. I will be praying for your family as you go through all this.

Darla said...

I don't think it makes you any less of a Christian to ask "why," to be sad, to be angry, even. Just because it DOES rain on both the just and the unjust doesn't mean we have to like it!

I am still praying for you, AND your whole family, in this really difficult time.

Judith and Lance said...

Bethany - I would be asking why? also if I was in your situation. I'm just so very heart broken you have to experience any of this. Last year a friend of mine lost a baby and she said on one day that was particularly difficult 'this life sucks, that's it... I'm just living for the happy moments and trying to remember this part is only temporary". Please know I'm praying for all of you in CT.