I feel like a Jenga tower about to topple over...or climber holding on to the edge of a cliff...or a swimmer struggling to keep my head above the waves...or an egg with multiple cracks waiting for the one fissure that will break the egg completely.
My heart is beating out of my chest. With each new piece of medical information, my hope is deflated. This absolutely cannot be happening to my dad. This is very rare for an adult to have this type of brain tumor in the first place. Not only does Pop Pop have this rare tumor, but he has in the worst possible spot...in his brain stem, where it cannot be reached....then how in the world did my dad end up developing this? There are no answers. Why would God allow a man of my dad's character and integrity to be affected by this? Pop Pop is hands down the most accurate picture of Christ that I've known. Nothing can happen outside of the control of God, so why did He allow this to be?
I know of no one who has given more, or loved others more, or been more dedicated to God than Pop Pop. Why is this affliction hitting the rock, center, and foundation of our family? Pop Pop is the anchor for so many. A family like ours is hard to find in this day and age. We had parents who met and fell in love at 15 and 16 years old, got married at 21, began a family at 22, raised 4 kids who love the Lord, those kids met and married spouses that love Jesus, and are raising 5 grandkids in the ways of the Lord. We are family who wants nothing else than to be together enjoying each others company. That's enough for us, and that's all we ever wanted. Why would God allow something so terrible to happen to such a close knit and loving group of people. Pop Pop has never put himself above anyone. He has lived his life investing in others, and sacrificing for others. This is unjust and unfair. Simple as that.
Only one Scripture comes to my mind today, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways." Isaiah 55:8.
This side of Heaven I may never get my answer. Truthfully, I don't know that there is any indication in Scripture that tells me that I'm guaranteed an answer on the other side of Heaven either....although trust me, I'm a "capo dost" (in Italian it means "hard head, or stubborn"), and I will ask!
Is this just? NO.
Is this fair? NO.
Does this make sense? NO.
Am I angry? YES.
Does God love Pop Pop? YES.
Does God love me? YES.
Is God perfect? YES.
So today, I revert to what I know, and not what I feel.