Tuesday, April 26, 2011


I don't know that I've experienced anxiety like this before. My stomach is knots. My hands and legs are shaky, and I'm constantly moving, although I'm doing nothing productive. I'm attempting to keep my mind busy and distracted. I am trying with all that is in me to protect you from seeing me act so nervous. I want to shelter you from the stress and fear that is gripping my heart right now. Pop Pop's consultation with the doctors is tomorrow. We will know a definite diagnosis, and a plan of action will be discussed.

What I've learned about Jesus is this, He understands my deep deep sadness, and it doesn't anger Him. My sadness and grief doesn't mean doubt, but that's what the enemy wants me to believe. Jesus has given me permission to be sad, to mourn, to be concerned, and to even question. Jesus cries with me. What breaks my heart, breaks His, because we are connected. When either of one of you are sad, my heart is heavy. Jesus is the same with us. When his children are burdened, He feels that. That's why He instructs in Matthew to give Him our burdens so He can carry them for us.

I want to rush these next 27 hours away, and I want it to be 2:30 tomorrow afternoon right now. But I think during these hours of waiting, God wants to renew my strength like Isaiah says. He wants me to be still, and to know that He is God, like Psalms says.

Today I pray for Pop Pop's heart. I pray that he rest in the perfect love of God which casts out all fear (1 John). I pray for Pop Pop's mind to be calm, and to be transformed by the Holy Spirit's renewing power (Romans). I pray for Pop Pop to have a peace that passes all understanding (Philippians). I pray for Pop Pop to REST in the shadow of the Almighty. (Psalms).

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