Sometimes I feel like a fraud in many areas of my life. I am supposed to be (at least this is how I am told people view me) as an organized person, who is tidy, detailed, and a perfectionist by nature. If you were to look closely at my house, there are so many things that need attention. I have to clean all the blinds in the house, all of the walls could use a good washing, the vents need to be wiped down, and all of my woodwork needs to scrubbed as well. If I were to keep up with these chores along with the other daily necessities of cleaning the bathroom, the kitchen, and the bedrooms, I would never sleep. My house isn't even that big, and I only have two children. How do people with full-time jobs, big houses, and several children do all of this? All of my cabinets are unorganized, my drawers are all messy, and the contents of every closet need to be rearranged. If I were a true perfectionist these task would be completed. But, truthfully, I am too tired and too unmotivated to do these these chores.
I also am a Christian, one who tries desperately to keep Jesus as my foundation and center of my life. Yet, there is rarely time for me to sit and invest in that relationship that is supposed to be of the utmost of importance to me. When there is time to read and pray, my mind can never settle long enough to focus and ,therefore, have an effective conversation with God.
I used to excel in organization and time management was my gift. Now, as much as I try, I can never seem to keep the boys on a schedule. Parker naps some days, and others he doesn't. Sometimes he goes to bed early, and other nights he won't fall asleep until 10:00. Kent is completely unpredictable, and I think my tight reign on life unraveled when he joined our family. I was decent at controlling 3 people, but 4 is just too much for me to handle.
I am resolving to be more disciplined...in every area of my life. I know that schedules and organization give me a sense of control, which ultimately gives me a sense of security.
I understand that my security needs to come from my relationship with Jesus and the fact that He is the one in control, but is it wrong that I also found peace in predictability, repetition, and perfection? I'm just rambling....